Thursday, July 9, 2009

Diatribe

I've mentioned before that I write for a living. Ad copy, to be exact. And I have spent so much time writing ad copy, that it sometimes invades my personal writing. Whether that be through lack of interest in sitting down in front of yet another computer, or in the style of writing that battles to override my own voice and insert marketing speak, or worse, bullet points.

I can use that as an excuse for not writing in my blog, and it would be partly true. I could skirt the real issues, but I feel a duty to be honest to you good people who read this blog. And as much as I loathe to be too self-indulgent, I think it's important to talk about this, and maybe even hear what you think.

On May 21, my very dear friend Jane took her life. I had plans with her and when she didn't show up, I drove to her house and found her. Not only did her death roll me in an unexpected direction, but it also annihilated my interest in anything creative, including raw food. Since that day I have put stuff in my body that now makes me cringe. Not in embarrassment, because I believe every choice I make is one that teaches me. I actually ate *chicken* the day after Jane's death. I was so numb, and hadn't eaten in 24 hours, and I looked at it and just grabbed it. It tasted awful, and made me feel even worse. I skipped meals, I drank coffee to alleviate the exhaustion from not sleeping. I stopped my meditation practice, terrified that I'd open my eyes and see her. I basically became a guest in the house of my body, and I was a lousy houseguest.

Getting away to Minneapolis recently, I was able to release a lot of my fears and anger and sadness. I relaxed and caught up on a little sleep. And I went to my favorite raw restaurant, Ecopolitan. It was there that I realized how disconnected I was from my body, and how very happy I felt eating raw food. My best friend loves that place; I thought she was always humoring me when we went. But it turns out that like me, she enjoys the light, energized feeling that raw gives her.

I admire the people who are on raw 100% of the time. I have been there before and enjoyed it. I have realized my shortcomings--that I tend to have an all-or-nothing attitude about things. Like the need to be the Martha Stewart of raw, instead of just keeping it simple. Making raw lasagna is a fun, delicious activity. But I don't need to make gourmet raw all the time. And I think that's what burned me out. I was always trying to outdo myself. When really, I'm most happy when eating a huge salad, or a bunch of fruit.

This diatribe really isn't making much of a point. But I wanted to say hi, check in with you guys, and put it in writing. As many times as I've gone off and come back to raw, every time has contained lessons for me. It's more of a journey for me than a destination. Whether or not I'm ever 100% raw permanently, I know that my body does prefer it. And concentrating now on getting back in sync with my bod is where I'm at. But being back and being fully present is making it easier. It's easy to grab a slice of pizza when you skip breakfast and don't feel like eating something healthy because your mood is crap. It's what comes after that is hard. Feeling low, icky and unhealthy. So the front end, the hard work of making good choices and smart decisions, that makes the back end easier. It also makes the back end smaller. :)

Thanks for letting me ramble. I'm still here, I still love raw food, and I still feel like it is the best way for me to eat. I'm so blessed and happy to have you folks in my life as I continue the journey.

xo
V


The lovely, light-filled Jane.

5 comments:

Mandy said...

That was a beautiful post, and a wonderful way of putting the disconnection you have suffered. I know that tragic and stressful events have done this to me in the past as well and just accepting that it has happened, is the first step in starting to mend. Peace be with you.... Mandy

naptress said...

Thank you so much for writing this! I feel the same way about trying to out do ones self with the gourmet uncooking..and the all or nothing attitude...Ive been feeling so unsettled.. we're being relocated maybe to Minneapolis..we dont know..and it is playing havoc with my feelings of being unsettled..I was just getting ready to make a very bad food choice before I read your post,now I'm off to Costco to pick up some organic produce...thank you for letting it all out!

Joy Winner-or-Whiner said...

Your journey is similar to many others. The good news is that after you test other things, your body will intuitively guide you where it wants you. People who eat crappola most of the time have totally numbed that prompting.

Linda said...

I am so sorry for your loss, it is overwhelming to lose a dear one. Blessings to you that you may find peace in your soul.

I just happened to find your blog today following a link on raw pizza, and am excited to try some of your recipes, thank you so much for sharing. Your writing is quite delightful.

Shane Arthur said...

First time visitor. Found you through a random tweet. Glad I did.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

My buddy took his own life with a gun. If I were to give anybody advice, it would be let yourself "freak out" a bit. You'll know when you are done grieving; then and only then can you move on. Don't feel guilty about deviating from your routines in the short term.

And yes, writing helps. By all means, keep doing so.
Regards from a random stranger,
Shane